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March 9, 2011
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Not too good here

Wed Mar 9, 2011, 1:00 PM
No Llamas please

Sorry I am getting behind with my messages. My depression is creeping up on me. I am only getting out of the house maybe once a week. Coming back to an empty house day after day is taking it's toll.

Please forgive me if I have to delete some of your lovely images and you don't get any comments. I can't seen to bring myself to make any art at all...

I know that this will pass and also that there is no way I will resort to pharma meds. I still have the effects of the last lot finished 4 years ago...

I just really need to get out more. Difficult when there is never any one there to share my life apart form my dear little Sunnee (my cat)

Anyway please don't send e solutions and absolutely never pray for me. I am not a believer. I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and be useful to others, that's all I need.

I was almost poisoned by gas fumes last week, then some new memory foam pillows I got, also were taking their toll. I woke up in the middle of the night retching and feeling really ill. I had slept on the pillows the night before and they were just fine. The second night was awful, the chemical fumes seemed almost visible. I think the combination is what started me off, then a few other things have happened...

The gas fire is fixed, now it is my turn... Unfortunately I have to do it myself.

So if I am missed you know why.

Out of 13 members of my family 12 of us have depression. The other is a step brother, not blood relation at all. He is a psychiatric nurse...
am eating well and sleeping too long. My bed is warm my house is not. I stay in bed to keep warm, then the apathy and lethargy set in and I just want to go back to bed...

Next time I write I will be fine. Thanks for being there.

Roz X

  • Listening to: Muse, VNV Nation, Sphongle
  • Reading: Ra The Law of One
  • Watching: The Pillars of the Earth. Brilliant.
  • Playing: With fractals
  • Eating: Vegetables
  • Drinking: Moroccan peppermint spiced tea
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:iconpsytanium:
~Psytanium Mar 12, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i love my depression, its a gift...
Reply
:iconcoffeetoffeesquirrel:
=CoffeeToffeeSquirrel Mar 10, 2011  Professional General Artist
Oh, Roz, I know too well how it is... I've been in a depressive period the last month, with a lot of sleeping and self-harm relapses (due to borderline personal disorder) and it's hard to endure such periods. Even there are solutions which make the days easier they won't take away the disease. It's interesting what you say about feeling useful for other, it's a significant need, and when you're depressed you feel so useless ( and sometimes we really can't do anything of use) but it's okay to just stop up and take a little step by step.

I read the convo between you and Ann, just want to say that you are NOT selfish to try to fix your problems. You are a fighter who want to make the world a better place. How can you keep on fighting if you don't have the energy to do it? So you aren't selfish for taking care for you. Believe me, I've met so many depressed people and some of them are so self-absorbed in their problems that they can't see others'. And my impression of you is that you are NOT selfish.

I don't pity you, but, yes I know too well how it is to be depressed...
Reply
:iconrozrr:
=Rozrr Mar 10, 2011   Digital Artist
Thank you so much for your kind words. I will be fine in a little while. It always passes.
I am so alone...
Reply
:iconcoffeetoffeesquirrel:
=CoffeeToffeeSquirrel Mar 10, 2011  Professional General Artist
You don't have any family nearby, or some close friends in your area? Or is that so bad that it's hard to leave the house? I wish I could be there for you.
Reply
:iconrozrr:
=Rozrr Mar 10, 2011   Digital Artist
All of that.

I have 2 friends, they come to see me every 2 weeks for a few hours. They used to come to my dance classes. Now of course I am retired. I had hoped to retain more of my students as friends, however they have busy lives. I understand. I appreciate the ones who I do see...
Reply
:iconcoffeetoffeesquirrel:
=CoffeeToffeeSquirrel Mar 10, 2011  Professional General Artist
It's good you've some friends then. Do you see a therapist or a councellor?
Reply
:iconrozrr:
=Rozrr Mar 10, 2011   Digital Artist
Yes I do. I saw her on 22 Feb. Next visit is 10th May... She is very busy.

Just had a long talk to my son. He is going to come to visit when the kids are on Easter holidays... I shall look forward to that.
Reply
:iconcoffeetoffeesquirrel:
=CoffeeToffeeSquirrel Mar 10, 2011  Professional General Artist
I'm so glad to hear that, and that you talked with your son. I feel so relieved on your behalf, since I know how painful it is to be depressed and feel lonely, even I also have family and friends. But the depression can really make a terrible mess with our heads and hearts, huh? I'm also glad that you see a therapist. I don't know what I would do without mine. I saw her today, I'm always exhausted after a session with her, they are really tough but they are useful also. You are in my thoughts, Roz, take care, and send me a note if you feel for that:hug:
Reply
:iconrozrr:
=Rozrr Mar 10, 2011   Digital Artist
Thank you very much. I will be OK. Hope you are too.
Reply
:iconhaltenny:
Be well soon. :)
Reply
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